The HP Humor Closet
by dragonweaver
Summary: 30 Drabbles in random order on practically anything. Each chapter is a separate drabble. Humor. Any requests? R
1. Voldie's AIM

Disclaimer: don't own settings and characters

* * *

**Voldie's AIM **(ch1) 

What do you think of Demonlord?"

"dunno"

"How about Evilkiller?"

"dunno"

"How about dumb-doorhater?"

"dunno"

"STOP SAYING DUNNO MALFOY!"

"Stop saying dunno Malfoy!" mocked Lucius

"MALFOY!!"

"I stopped saying 'dunno' didn't I my lord?"

_Crucio_

_

* * *

_

review please

any suggestions for other chapters?


	2. Harry's Drawing

Disclaimer: don't own settings and characters

* * *

**Harry's Drawing **(ch2)

"There, I finally finished my masterpiece"

"What exactly is that, I never ever saw anything like that in books, even in the book Arts of the World and the books…."

"'Mione, it's not in _any _book because I made it up." Harry explained impatiently

"Oh…are you sure…maybe I saw it in Universal Arts of…."

Malfoy saunters over cutting her off. He gapes for a few minutes

"Potter, did….did you…draw Snape in a…a…tutu?"

* * *

Review and Suggestions please 


	3. New Pet

Disclaimer: don't own any of Rowling's

* * *

**Draco's Trip to the Pet Store **(ch3)

You there!"

"Yes?"

"Do you have any white ferrets for sale?"

* * *

_Review and Suggestions plz._

yes i know its very short..(jeez the A/N is even longer than it)

but if you read OOTP you'll know what it's about


	4. Snape's Top 10 Glares

Disclaimer: Not my character

* * *

**Snape's Top 10 GLARES **(ch4)

1. You are going to get detention GLARE

2. My dark mark hurts so I'm just so going to glare at you for it GLARE

3. I feel like glaring at you GLARE

4. I hate little brats that ruin potions GLARE

5. Dumb as a door is a fool GLARE

6. Potter is an insufferable brat GLARE

7. Someone's going to get hurt soon GLARE

8. I'm giving you a F- GLARE

9. Even though you got that question right you're still stupid GLARE

10. Ha! I knew you were wrong GLARE

_all the glares are either with a scowl, sneer, or smirk_

* * *

_Review and Suggestions _plz 


	5. Dementor Bob

Disclaimer: do not own characters

* * *

**Dementor Bob **(ch5)

"Oh my god my lord, there…there are dementors coming!" screeched Wormtail

"Duh, I have a meeting with Bob."

"My lord, who's Bob?" asked Malfoy

"Duh, the dementor leader."

"The one with the sparkly pink crown?" giggled Bella

"Duh, why do you useless people ask so dumb questions?"

_CRUCIO _(evil laugh)

* * *

_Review & Suggestions plz_


	6. Alternate Sorting

Disclaimer: don't own Rowling's plots

* * *

**Alternate Sorting **(ch6)

"SLYTHERIN"

Chirp…chirp (dead silence)

"I bet if a pin drops anyone could hear it." Luna remarked dazedly

Because everyone was in shock, they all pulled out a pin and thousands of pins clattered on the ground

The next day, Harry could be seen limping to breakfast.

* * *

_Review + Suggestions_


	7. Snape's Insult Dictionary

Disclaimer: don't own Rowling's plots

_a peek in Snape's diary _

* * *

**Snape's Insult Dictionary **(ch7) 

My Favorite Top 5 Insults from my first published guide book:

101 ways to insult dunderheads.

1. Stupid idiot brat (_I use it on the Potter brat a lot_)

2. Are you incapable of doing anything except copy answers from your classmates?

(_meaning potter and weasly shouldn't copy out of the mudblood's paper_)

3. DETENTION!!

4. 100 POINTS FROM GRYFINDOOR (_look at my comment for no. 1_)

5. SHUT UP YOU CRAZY OLD FOOL I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK

(_I use it on dumb as a door a lot - at least in my dreams_)

* * *

_Review + Suggestions plz_


	8. The Scar

Disclaimer: don't own Rowling's plots or anything that you think is someone else's

* * *

**The Scar **(ch8)

"OH MY GOD! My scar is _gone_!" Harry screeched

"Relax, there must bean explanation for this, I'll just go to the library and look up…"

"There is _NO_ time for the library, _at all, _I'm BLEEDING, look, there's a line of _BLOOD_ on the sink…" Harry cried in horror

"….looks like washed off _sharpie_ to me…"

* * *

Review and Suggestions plz 


	9. Password to Diaries

Disclaimer: don't own Rowling's plots or anything that you thing is someone else's

* * *

**Password To Diaries **(ch9) 

_From the recordings of Gred and Forge _

_the italics are our comments! _

Dumbledore: Lemon Drops ROCK! _Laughs hysterically than faints_

Harry: Ah…the joy of killing Moldy Wart _no comment_

Ginny: My Hero _oh my god_

Hermione: Hogwarts A History _figures_

Malfoy D.: I love my hair _throws up breakfast_

Malfoy L: My hair is perfect _throws up lunch_

Voldemont: die potter (evil laugh) _weird_

Peter: uh…. _no comment again...wonder if he has a nickna,me_

Neville: _doesn't have one 'because he'll forget it_

_THE INFO. IS FROM OUR PERSONAL SOURCES..DON'T ASK..._

* * *

Review and Suggestions plz 


	10. St Patrick's Day

Disclaimer: don't own Rowling's plots or anything that you think is someone else's

* * *

**St. Patrick's Day** (ch10)

"Ah hah!" PINCH "You're not wearing _green_."

"Ow…my lord… Malfoy pinched me."

PINCH "Tattletale"

"STOP IT!"

PINCH It's not _my_ fault that you NEVER wear anything other than black, Snape."

"So?

PINCH

"OW!!"

* * *

_Review and Suggestions plz _i know it's kind of late for st.patrick's day...but i thought i'll just submit this... 


	11. Bathroom Line

Disclaimer: don't own Rowling's plots or anything that you think someone else's

* * *

**Bathroom Line** (ch11)

"Come on Lucius stop fussing over your stupid hair, I wanna go"

"My hair is not stupid…where are you going?"

"GO TO THE RESTROOM, GENIOUS!"

"Thanks for the compliment… and I'm NOT done yet.:

"IDIOT, I was being _sarcastic_!" She yelled as she blew down the door.

* * *

_Review and Suggestions plz_


	12. Phone

Disclaimer: don't own Rowling's plots or anything that you think is someone else's

* * *

**Phone** (ch12)

"I'm bored"

"uh huh"

"hello Snape? Did you hear what I said?"

"I'm not deaf"

"are you sure?"

"last time I checked…no"

"oh…I'm bored."

"uh huh"

"hello Snape? Did you hear what I said?

"do we have to repeat this conversation again for the 17th time?"

"how do you know it was the _17th time_?"

"I made tick marks on my hand"

"oh…I'm bored."

"SHUT UP POTTER! I KNOW I PAID YOU TO TEST OUT THIS TELEPHONE BUT PLEASE DO NOT KEEP REPEATING THAT STUPID CONVERSATION AND USE YOUR HEAD… "

"hello Snape? did you hear…? "

**crash**

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_What happened:_

Snape threw the phone across the room

The next day they went and bought another phone

Then repeated the conversation again

(according to the tick marks on Snape's hand: 25 times)

* * *

_Review and Suggestions plz_


	13. Invitation

Disclaimer: don't own Rowling's plots or anything that you think is someone else's

* * *

**Invitation **(ch13)

Invitation to the ball at Riddle Manor

_To: _You (duh since you have it)

_From: _Voldemort the Great Dark Lord

_Event: _(it says it already)

_Where: _(look above)

_When: _midnight Dec. 31 (or maybe its Jan 1…who knows)

_What: _yourself (duh)

_Comments:_

Be there or I'll _crucio_ you

P.S. this invitation is dumb.. the only reason I chose it is because the cover shows a rabbit…

and uh…I like to cuddle…ahem I mean _kill_ rabbits

* * *

_Review and Suggestions plz_


	14. Singing

_disclaimer: characters and setting are not mine the singing luna and lyrics is_

_**

* * *

**_

**Singing **(ch14)

_Round and round the potion classroom_

_The Snape chased the Potter_

_The Snape thought 'twas all revenge_

_Crack! Falls to Potter_

It was an interesting picture:

Luna singing versions of "pop goes the weasel"

Harry sprawled on the floor

While Snape triumphantly sneered at him

While turning the once Hogwart's robe into a

Pink, sparkly, fluffy, poofy, tutu with lots and lots of rabbits

"Luna you're not helping at all" Harry managed to croak out from the floor

Dean swore he heard someone whisper "Snape sure has a wild imagination"

* * *

_I promise it gets better in future chapters...you can skip there but don't forget to review after _:) 


	15. Gaining Weight

Disclaimer: don't own Rowling's plots or anything that you think is someone else's

* * *

**Gaining Weight **(ch15) 

"Oh my god!" Snape screeched

Hearing the shout Dumbledore hurried over

"What happened?"

"I…I gained ONE WHOLE POUND!!"

"I didn't know you cared so much about your…figure…"

"I don't…but my …ahem… friends are having a fashion show…so…"

"Ah…I see what the problem is…"

"Here if you eat one of these everyday, you will definitely be the wonder of that fashion show!"

Dumbledore said calmly as he handed Snape a bag of lemon drops

* * *

_Suggestions for other chapters? _


	16. Fashion Show

Disclaimer: don't own rowling's characters and settings

_this is like part 2 for _gaining weight

* * *

**Fashion Show** (ch16)

"Next up is Malfoy" Voldemort announces in the microphone

Malfoy walks up the aisle in the latest fashion

Narcissa swoons

Wormtail gags

"Next up… Harry Potter?" Voldemort peers at the paper

Harry Potter walks on the stage everyone takes out their wand and start shooting _avada kedavra _at him

They all bounce off his snitch boxers

"Well, that was interesting…the last person is Snape!"

Snape moon walks into the spotlight

All the females drools

All the males glares

"How did you…look so…?" Bella trails off dreamily

"some lemon drops"

* * *

Review and Suggestions plz 


	17. Slow

Disclaimer: don't own rowling's characters and settings

* * *

**Slow **(ch17)

Harry runs in the headmaster's office, choking and spluttering

"Slow down my boy, I can't understand anything you're talking about."

"I…had a…a vision and…"

"Go on"

"Voldemort made over fifty clones of himself…"

"Hm…that's interesting…wait a second… WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?"

* * *

_Review and Suggestions plz_


	18. Phone Call

Disclaimer: characters not mine

* * *

**Phone Call** (ch18)

"Dad, I'm going to use the pheletone to call Hermione"

"Ok, do you know how to use it?"

"Yeah, 'mione gave us a lecture how to dial etc."

'454-646-6534' Ring Ring

tapping a quill on the coffee table Ron waited to hear his friends voice

After a while he heard

"Hello, you have reached Granger's home, we're not here right now, please leave a message after the 'beep'"

Beep!

_(later at granger's residence)_

"Mom! Dad! I think I got a message from Ron"

"Really? Let's here what it says"

the granger parents settled themselved on the sofa while 'mione pressed maibox

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL? WHY DID YOU EVEN TOLD ME TO CALL IF YOU WON'T TALK TO BE EXCEPT PRETENDING TO BE NOT HOME ...I'M NOT STUPID, YOU ANSWERED THE PHONE AND HANGED UP..YOU BETTER EXPLAIN OR ELSE!... (slam)

The parents frowned disapproving at the tone of voice and use of words

while hermione stood here smiling weakly at her parents

* * *

review? 


	19. Torturing is Easier

disclaimer: _sadly the characters/setting are not mine _

* * *

**Torturing is Easier **(ch19)

Voldemort's Lair

Dear Diary,

No...that sounds too ugh... _girly_

Dear

uh... even _dear_ sounds girly

Hello,

my name is Voldemort and right now i'm two faced

yeah... i know 'two faced' kind of means _.:whispers:._ i'm cheating on someone

**NOT**

Dark Lords DON'T DATE ...

back to me (duh)

i'm officialy two faced because my face is actually not my face...

...uh wait that doesn't make sense

i can't keep a journal i'm confusing myself  
F(censor)!! what the H(censor)!! SNAPE CENSORED MY JOURNAL ...THAT GIT..THE NERVE OF HIM!

and just to get it straight.. ignore what i wrote about my face..

_(few hours later)_

Dumbledore's office

Dumbledore greeted Snape warmly as he offered him a lemon drop

"hello Severus how did the trap journal go-"  
"Great Merlin, what happened to you...how many times did he crucio you"  
He cried flinging his hand up - lemon drop and all

"eh..few times.." snape managed to ground out  
"how did he find out, i checked it so man-"

"I think you _censoring_ his journal so he can't_ express_ his anger, he'll think tourturing is _much _easier to discharge his anger after reading the _wonderful _anger management book you ordered me to give him"  
Snape said sarcastically before passing out

"Poor guy, maybe I gave the wrong person the book..." albus sadly popped a lemon drop in his mouth

* * *

_review plz_ :) dragonweaver 


	20. Present

_disclamier: whats not mine is not mine (you know what i mean)_

**

* * *

****Present** (ch20) 

Professor Snape"

What Potter?"

"If I give you a present will you cancel my detention?"

Are you trying to make a deal with me?"

Well, yeah…"

No"

But-"

Detention"

* * *

_write a random word in you review and i'll use it as the title of the next ch. _


	21. Vocabulary

_disclamer: voldemort&d.e. are not mine --- no! _

**

* * *

**

**Vocabulary **(ch21)

Lord Voldemort was studying vocabulary from the book that Snape lent him.

Snape asked hesitantly "My Lord, why do you need…"

"_Crucio_…I just do, so take your not," he glanced at the book "impeccable self out the door"

The next day, he stood in front of his followers

"My steadfast menials, presently we are significantly more potent than the nauseating light quantum. Our posterior assault that…"

"Uh…my lord?" Avery interrupted meekly

"What." The dark-lord-that-did-not-like-being-interrupted snapped

"Um… I can't really understand those big words you're using…"

"_Crucio_…as I was saying prior to getting discourteously inferred …"

"I knew I shouldn't have given him that thesaurus" Snape muttered

* * *

_tell me what you think about the fanfic so far..._


	22. The Truth

_disclaimer: whats mine is not mine and i'm not taking them_

* * *

**The Truth** (ch22)

Harry and Voldemort were dueling in the middle of the field. Alongside them the Dark and Light side were fighting for their lives.

"Why are you even wasting your time fighting me, you're too weak to kill me." Voldemort sneered

"Because you killed my parents." Harry shot back

Pausing in mid-curse Voldemort smirked "You still believe that?"

"What do you mean by that?" Harry asked now wand limp in his hand

"I didn't kill your parents; they tripped and fired spells that killed each other."

"Liar! I saw their shadows come out your wand during the tournament and I see them die by your wand when I see dementors!"

Voldemort snorted "You need to get your eyes checked man"

Now both sides (Light and Dark) had stopped fighting and was not listening to the weird conversation

Suddenly Wormtail spoke up. "It's true, they died by each other's curses, I was there – I swear on my magic"

Everyone gasped. Swearing on your magic was a highly untouched swear that no one had even thought about for centuries and if you're lying you automatically lose all your magic

To show that he wasn't lying, the death eater stunned the nearby auror causing everyone to gape at Voldemort

Suddenly Harry did the most unexpected thing: he ran forward and embraced Voldemort

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry for accusing you…I should of asked first!"

So alas Voldemort died from shock, in the arms of an insane boy-who-lived, due to the unexpected weird gesture a.k.a. the power the dark lord knows not

* * *

_review please  
_(a/n: the swearing on magic i thought up so i dont know if its in any of the hp books) 


	23. I Choose You

_Disclamier: pokemon and hp co. are not mine_

* * *

**I Choose You** (ch23)

"Are you sure you're not a Pokemon, 'cause I choose you to be my girlfriend!"  
shouted James gleefully thinking Lily will definitely go out with him now.

First of all that's the stupidest pick-up line  
Second of all I'm happily reassured that I'm definitely NOT a Pokemon.

* * *

review please:) 

_response to _Ember Riddle's review


	24. Inner Eye

_Disclaimer: characters are not mine, website is not mine_

* * *

**Inner Eye** (ch24)

After the muggle studies professor showed Trelawney other people's predictions on _mugglenet. com _she ran down the halls screaming

"I told you other people have inner eye too!"

So Ron concluded internet was a dangerous thing to look at

* * *

_Review: what do you want to see next? _


	25. Just an Accident

_Disclaimer: non-italics parts are from HBP pg 595-596 & characters are not mine_

* * *

**Just an Accident** (ch25) 

But somebody else had spoken Snape's name, quite softly.  
"Severus . . ."

_can you hear me? Is the mind connection working?  
_  
The sound frightened Harry beyond anything he had experienced all evening. For the first time, Dumbledore was pleading.  
Snape said nothing,

_I can hear you, why did you even do this stupid mind connection?_  
_So I can help you fulfill your vow_

but walked forward and pushed Malfoy roughly out of the way.

_Why are you helping me kill yourself?_

The three Death Eaters fell back without a word. Even the werewolf seemed cowed.

_Death is the next adventure torwards the Lala land_

Snape gazed for a moment at Dumbledore, and there was revulsion and hatred etched in the harsh lines of his face

_Heaven is not lala land and when you die, you die…you don't go traveling you idiot  
_  
"Severus . . . please . . ."

_How do you know? Anyway please just wish me on a great journey, Lala land here I come!  
_  
Snape raised his wand and pointed it directly at Dumbledore.

_If you keep this nonsense up I'll accidently really say  
_  
"Avada Kedavara!"

_Omigosh! I said that out loud didn't I?_

* * *

Review:) _any more suggestions?  
_(ch. is response to The Black Cleaver) 


	26. Controlled Talk

_Disclaimer: I do not own hp and co. _

* * *

**Controlled Talk **(ch26) 

"Hey Harry how was your summer?"

"Great"

"Really, I guess Mad-Eye Moody's threat really worked"

"Yeah"

"So want to play chess or something?"

"Dunno"

"Well…what are you doing then?"

"Breathing"

"I know that"

"Yeah"

"So why did you tell me that?"

Hermione ignored the exchanged and glanced at the person hiding

"Dunno"

"You're acting weird"

"Great"

"Are you sick?"

"Yeah"

"Well…At least you're still -?"

"Breathing"

Behind the seats, Malfoy grinned then moved the remote and made the 'Harry' Robot whack Ron in the head

* * *

_Reviews: any sugestions?  
_(response to Ember Riddle's review - thanks!) 


	27. What Is It

Disclaimer: character are not mine (pouts)

* * *

**What is it? **(ch27)

"Look! It's a bird, a plane, it's a…"

"What do you mean its plank, bloody hell; can't you see it's a broom stick?"

"Stuff it Weasel, everyone knows it's a cloud."

"Hey! I was going to say that… before Ron interrupted me"

"Oh, I'm so sorry"

"Sucking up to the boy-who-lived aren't we Weasel?"

"At least I'm not a ferret!"

"A weasel is more stupid."

"So? You actually _have_ a pet ferret!"

"That was low"

"I know that, hey, where did Harry go?"

"Didn't you put a charm on him so you could stalk him?"

"How did you know that?"

"I have sources."

"Whatever I need to go find him"

"Have a crush on him?"

"You-you…ferret"

"How original, the cloud is more interesting then you."

" I TOLD YOU IT'S A BROOM STICK!"

* * *

_review please?_


	28. Fan Mail

_disclamier: you know what goes here_

* * *

**Fan Mail** (ch28)

"Hey, Harry you got fan mail."

"Oh…you can read it you want."

"Uh…okay"

"Harry"

"Hm…"

"What's the answer to this riddle: I'm go in gtok ill you MW-AH-A-HA"

"Let us see that Ronnikens"

"We know what that says"

"it says"

"I'm going"

"To kill"

"You"

Both: "MWHAHAHA"

"From Riddle"

* * *

_What do you want me to write next??  
(A/N: george & fred)_


	29. Potion Lesson

_Disclaimer: I do not own hp and co. _

* * *

**Potion Lesson **(ch29) 

Professor Snape sneered at the hole in the table and growled "Anyone who thinks he or she can brew something worse stand up."

After a few tense moments, Harry stood up. Ron frantically tried to pull him down and Malfoy and his cronies snickered.

"Well Potter, are you finally admitting fame and forture does not let you have a free pass at school?"

Harry just smirked and said, "No sir, I just didn't want you standing there all by yourself."

* * *

_Reviews: any sugestions?  
(A/N: I think I heard a joke somewhere before maybe I'll mentally add it to my disclaimer)_


	30. Release Them

_Disclaimer: I do not own anything that belongs to rowling things from seventhsanctum dot com_

* * *

**Release Them** (ch30) 

"My lord, we are losing.." Malfoy said with blood dripping down from the cut on his arm

"Hm..really,is that so... then I want you release the secret weapon!"

"What? But..."

"Just do it stupid"

"Of course my lord, releasing the giant single-minded cyborg shrimps with the ability to emit gas!"

"No, no, no! not that one, I was talking about the genetically-engineered insane berserk elephants armed with machine guns!"

"But Avery already released that one..."

"Oh, darn him, then release another one..."

"Yes milord, releasing the enormous invisible cyborg owls with laser eyes!"

"No you moron! I was talking about..."

Suddenly Wormtail came running up to them, "Milord, we won!"

"We did! Oh my goddness!" squealed the insane dark lord

* * *

_remember to press 'submit review'!  
--->hp humor closet is now complete unless for__ any requests_


End file.
